Beyond just money and health, research increasingly highlights the role of social relationships—and how they shape not only how long we live, but how well we live. In this post, I explore how staying connected—whether in person or online—can promote longevity, and why, according to research, we men often approach it differently from women.
This builds on earlier reflections where I considered what retirement means beyond simply stopping work—questioning old assumptions, finding the right balance between structure and freedom, and focusing on what truly matters. Whether it’s daily routines, intellectual curiosity, or financial planning, the goal is to shape a retirement life that stays purposeful and engaged.
Longevity – Genetics vs Lifestyle
It seems our genetic DNA plays a much smaller role than the lifestyle we choose to lead. Research suggests genetics account for only about 30% of longevity. Our social relationships are a far stronger predictor of how long we live.
Of course, solid genes do help—just look at some of the men I know, still dashing around the squash court well into their late seventies, with parents who lived past a hundred. Genetics contribute to the lengthening of the longevity curve, but the evidence is clear: being loved, contributing to your community, and having friends who truly care for you stretch that curve far more than DNA alone.
Contentment in Later Years
While there’s plenty said about older “retired” folk being discontent, the research says otherwise. In fact, we older guys are often happier and more content than younger generations. That’s not to say everyone feels that way—there is a cohort who look back with disappointment at how their life unfolded, and they may not feel so enchanted with life. But on the whole, age tends to bring a deeper sense of satisfaction.
The Challenge of Making Friends
The challenge, in my experience, is that making new buddies this late in life isn’t so easy—and I’m sure many of you reading this have experienced the same. But we can take consolation from research showing that our social networks naturally shrink in our sunset years. By then, the average inner circle is just three or four people.
Of course, “inner circle” isn’t quite as dramatic as Robert De Niro’s Meet the Parents character Jack Byrnes would have it, with his rigid “circle of trust” where once you’re out, you’re out forever. In real life, it’s less about setting rigid boundaries and more about holding onto a handful of relationships that really matter.
In fact, our social world often has two layers: the inner circle and those on the periphery. Interestingly, research shows that when widowed men remarry, they often find their new spouse among the close friends of their late wives—the peripheral network moving closer in.
The moral of the story? Our social networks should add value and purpose to our lives. They’re not just there to pass the time, but to keep us engaged and contributing. After all, the last thing we want is to sit around like professional oxygen thieves—he, he.
Marriage & Longevity
It is a documented fact that married men live longer than single men, while it was long accepted that single women live longer than married women. My first reaction was: “Wow, are we men contributing to a toxic married life experience for our spouses?” Well, as it turns out, women live longer if they are in a good marriage. We men, on the other hand, live longer when married—be it a great marriage or not. Why? It seems to come down to how our brains are wired: men are natural and good at the compartmentalize-game.
One study asked two questions: “Are you happy with your life?” and “Are you happy with your marriage?” A woman who answers negatively to the first question will typically respond to the second with: “Are you loco? Did you not just hear my reply?” Women often see the marriage relationship as their responsibility, and when it isn’t good, they view it as their personal failure. We men, by contrast, are remarkably good at disassociating. I know when I go to bed, for instance—it’s sleep time, that’s it… he, he.
Virtual Social Networks
Of course, given the heading, we immediately think of Facebook. This is a new facet—albeit a two-decade-old facet—of our social networks and, although most of us as teenagers grew up without TV, we certainly did not experience the era of mobile devices (iPhones, tablets, etc.). So how are we Baby Boomers adapting and adopting this tech in our social circles?
Most of us are taking advantage of WhatsApp for our family groups, and at the peripheral end, our sports groups. In one of my sports groups, there’s a late-seventies guy who receives all the messages but never responds—what I call a passive participant. Some have given the “Boykie” a less kind label… he, he.
These social media platforms make it very easy to stay in touch, but they can also snow us under with “noise” and unsolicited info. What isn’t clear is whether these virtual networks are actually increasing the size of the inner circle for our older generation. In other words, are virtual networks combating the tendency of the inner circle to shrink during our sunset years?
Closing Thought
Whether in person or online, what matters most is that our relationships remain meaningful. Genetics are clearly important, but it’s lifestyle—and especially connection—that paints the picture. Longevity isn’t just about living longer, but about living well, with the right people in our circle.
Longevity is less about adding years to life and more about adding life to those years.
PS Next Post will focus on: ‘Should we have a Spending Plan‘
Footnotes
- Harvard Study of Adult Development – Good genes are nice, but joy is better (Harvard Gazette, 2017)
- Blanchflower, D. G., & Oswald, A. J. (2008). Is well-being U-shaped over the life cycle? Social Science & Medicine
- National Institute on Aging – Social isolation, loneliness in older people pose health risks (2019)
- Waite, L. J., & Gallagher, M. (2000). The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially
- Pew Research Center – Older Adults and Technology Use (2014
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